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Attached

 This summer I was asked to read the book Attached by Amir Levine.  There is a quick quiz to help determine your attachment style.  Most people upon first meeting me and maybe months in would likely say I'm a secure attachment style.  Everything about me screams confident, self sufficient and frankly has it all together.  Let give a quick overview of the different styles.

Secure Attachment:

  • Warm and Caring
  • Trusting & Forgiving
  • Good Boundaries
  • Manage emotions well
  • Responsive
  • Honest and open
Avoidant Attachment:
  • Fear Closeness
  • Distant and Withdrawn
  • Avoid Conflict
  • Extreme Independence
  • Emotionally Distant
  • Unresponsive to partner
  • Logical
Anxious Attachment:
  • Relationship insecurities
  • Fear of abandonment
  • Lack of boundaries
  • Mood fluctuations
  • Highly sensitive
  • Overly accommodating
Disorganized Attachment:
  • Unable to self regulate
  • Find intimacy and trust difficult
  • Tendency to dissociate
  • Lack of empathy
  • Wants closeness but fearful of others

Upon discussing this with someone who knows the styles well and knows a thing or two about me looked at it very differently.  He is very realistic about my childhood and all the abandonment I felt.  He knows that I had very little security as a child and never felt close or able to trust anyone let alone the adults in my life.  He said that knowing the way I parent.  I'm warm and caring as a mother, someone my children can always count on and trust, I set many boundaries and manage my emotions and expectations well.  This leads to me looking very secure.  But, this is a direct result of my childhood and wanting to make sure I set my children up for success.  I want my children to feel none of the same feelings I felt (and still feel as an adult).  I mask them well so that I can help my children to succeed.

My therapist said it best,  he said... Mary Beth you're like an M&M, you have a hard shell but inside you are soft and have fears too.  My sister once told a significant other if he would just give me time (yes, this can take at minimum 6 months) he would be so happy with the end result.  I am not cold and distant (Yes, now I'm bringing in a 3rd attachment style) I am just protecting myself.  No one has every looked out for me and my well being, the truth is I'm the only one who's going to do it until someone gives me the time to feel safe and trust.  

My greatest fear is being abandoned, I cry more in the shower when I'm alone than many would think, and I struggle to say no because I don't want to be disliked.  Sometimes I swing so far the other direction to hide those things leading me to look overly secure and sometimes even avoidant.  

My therapist reminded me that it is okay to have standards, and to shut out the people who say my standards are too high. (I just respond with... umm but I am alone and not finding many takers) He said that he see me as someone that is NOT codependent and that will ultimately lead to a healthy relationship.  Moral of the story... It's November and time to start trying.


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