Discard

Discard is a word that lately has been very heavy in my heart.  The simple definition of discard is as follows: Get rid of (someone or something) as it no longer is useful or desirable. We discard things all the time not thinking twice about it.  But, what about people?  I know this sounds very harsh and maybe a bit dramatic.  But let me step back and revisit the past...

As a young child I never really felt like I was wanted or desired.  Now, I'm not trying to blame anyone for this, just stating how I felt.  Those around me were doing the best that they could with what they knew.  When I was just 5 years old we moved to California to chase down a dream that my parents had.  They packed us up, we moved into a hotel and they hoped we would find a place to live.  We eventually did... (Have I ever mentioned in my lifetime I have switched schools over 10 times).  While living in California I found a nice mom and her daughters (I was probably 7 and yes I was alone) at the park, I would check out the door daily to see if they were there.  And if they were, off I'd go.  Eventually I spent every moment I could at their house after school and on the weekends.  I truly felt loved and wanted in their home.  I eventually would travel to Europe to visit their family (that's another story for another day).  This 'extra' family filled all of my needs, the mom made me dinner each night, braided my hair and told me I was amazing and loved.  Eventually we moved back to Michigan, where I had to find a new normal and some safety of sorts without my 'extra' Family.  (they were what felt like home and love).  As I got older I had a lot of responsibilities to care for my much younger siblings.  As time progressed this took a toll on me as I was a child myself. I eventually stated to push back on these responsibilities.  This did not sit well with my mother, she eventually discarded me.   This left me feeling like, the parts that were needed (my care of my siblings and the home) were taken and the rest of me was discarded.  

Fast forward, I've found that people really like me as a friend.  Why would this be?  I am constant and will always show up for those around me, I'm honest and loyal.  Even those that go astray and wonder back.  I'm very good at turning a blind eye and welcoming them back in.  More recently, I found myself in a situation with a "friend."  She was someone I quickly let into my circle.  Inviting her to activities, hosting her for holiday and eventually hosting a celebration in her honor.  I'll save you all the details but when push came to shove and I tried to communicate with her some of the things that were hard for me to understand about her behavior she just discarded our friendship.  Just completely threw away everything that we had celebrated as friends together.  She wanted the parts of me she liked (me inviting her to the pool, buying dinners and throwing a beautiful party) but discarded the rest.  This ultimately ended a friendship.  I was left feeling used, I almost blamed myself, questioning my every action.  What did I do?  What did I say? How could I handle things differently? But the bottom line is, she (like many) liked the parts of me that was giving and kind but as soon as I tried to stand up for myself by simply asking questions (If you know me, I am very nonconfrontational, I don't argue or belittle anyone)  I always try to think of others and present things (of an uncomfortable manner) in a way that hopefully won't make them feel defensive or attacked.  Again, I was left feeling very discarded.

This leads me to the next area in my life, work.  I show up each day prepared with many lessons and activities to share with the children.  I absolutely love what I do each day inside my classroom.  It truly is magical.  People around me, take the parts of me that they want and like, only to discard of the parts that don't meet their "needs."  This is hard because this is one of my many happy places, but sometimes I'm left feeling like I'm walking on egg shells.  Again I am very nonconfrontational so it's easier to just go about my work.  People take the parts of me they like and leave the rest.

Let me just say that I don't want or need everyone to like me. (and yes, I've done plenty of therapy over the years).  But this does leave me wondering how many other people feel this way.  Why is it that some of us care deeply and other can just give zero F*cks?

I'll end with this... About a year ago I dated a very nice man for about 6 months.  He was great, checked all the boxes... except one.  I don't think he was attracted to me (I know that's a big one)  He said this wasn't true but it was how I felt.  I ultimately ended it and wished him luck.  One of the final things he said to me was this.  You Know Mary Beth, not everyone will leave you.  (I shared some of the above and then some with him during some of our deeper conversations.  In some way or another, all the important roles in my life have stepped away.  Everything from parents, a spouse and long time friends.  I wish I could understand it better.  One of my friends said this... You make others feel safe and loved, maybe when you communicate hard things they pull back in fear of loss.  I just want to be treated with the same respect I give.