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It's that Time of Year Again

 It's that time of year again.  There is a chill in the air, the holidays are fast approaching and there never seems to be enough time.  

Just a couple weeks ago, the boys and I met with a local photographer (and friend) it was time once again to capture our yearly photos.  As the boys have gotten older this has only become more difficult.  You would think that it would become easier.  I always remind the boys if they cooperate it will be over quickly.  I gave the photographer a heads up and told her to just capture us exactly where we are in life.  This is the one time a year I can be sure to capture the boys and I together.  Many find it strange but I always extend the offer to my ex husband to join us. (I think the boys should have to opportunity to have a photo of the 5 of us if they want one)  It's also nice to have an extra set of hands to keep the boys in line.

It was a rough 35 minutes of chaos trying to capture a handful of shots.  I just received the photos back on Friday.  If I'm honest I cried when I went though them.  It's hard to see how grown my boys have become.  They are truly becoming such wonderful young men (even if they were difficult at photos)  It's also hard to look at the photos of the 5 of us.  It's just a reminder of what could have been, all the dreams we had for our family.  It's devastating to think of the choices that lead to so much pain for our family.  

I often think about what lead up to the shattering of our family.  How did it really happen? What allows one to actually take the steps? Is there regret? Sadness? It's still all very lost on me.  I forgive, but the reminders are always present.  Bottom line, we both love our children and always put them first.

Oh the Holidays... Thanksgiving is less than 2 weeks away and Christmas will follow quickly.  I'm trying to figure out how I will get it all done this year.  I think I may just put up one Christmas tree this year.  Last year I opted for three.  That feels like a lot.  Outside lights might also get passed up this year.  It's a lot and when I usually do it alone, I might just pass.  This year for Thanksgiving, I don't have plans.  I've had an invite from a close friend but I honestly think I'll just hang out alone.  Christmas the boys and I will have our same traditions on Christmas Eve and they'll go to their dads on Christmas late morning.  The holidays bring up so many emotions.  

If you had told me 11 years ago this would be my story, I would have never believed you.  The last 9 have just been prioritizing my boys.  I want them to feel complete and happy.  

More recently I have been trying to prioritize myself.  Allow myself to feel all the feelings.  Be honest with myself about those feelings.  Standing up for myself and turn away from those who don't see the value.  Say No more often and ask questions.  My worth and my value to those around me is too great to just sit back and be taken advantage of.  

I want to laugh more, during our photo session the below photo was captures of Josiah and I.  I said something, clearly he was not amused, but his reaction brough me complete joy.



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