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Insecurities

All of us have insecurities, but most of us do not lead with them.  Most of us try to keep them hidden and only allow them to be visible in vulnerable moments.  Recently (6 months or so ago) I was asked about mine.  He mentioned that I'm so confident and seem to really have much of it figured out.  I thought that's a strange thing to ask someone.  I tried to brush it off, I joked that those are for those close to me.  

The hardest part is when someone, someone very close, someone you love more than others says something to you about it.  Let me share a little, be vulnerable.  One of my greatest insecurities is something I am really good at.  It's something that people praise me for, their words often bring me to tears.  It's something I absolutely love and feel so blessed to be a part of.  But, its something that also causes me a lot of insecurity.  Something that makes me question my worth and value.  What is it you ask... It's teaching, specifically teaching early childhood, for me that's PreK.  I wouldn't rather be doing anything else.  I absolutely love it, I feel so blessed to be a part of it.  

Last night, after dinner, the boys and I were sitting at the table talking.  We were talking about school starting, we were talking about their schedules for this next year.  (They are taking a very heavy load, which I advised against.)  I reminded them that school is work and is very important but that it's okay to take rest, enjoy social activities with friends, and to be happy.  I reminded them that they have the rest of their adult life to carry the heavy stuff.  (I've always told them boys that I'll carry the heavy stuff and when they're older I'll pass some of that off to them.)  My oldest son (he is a great young man, but still has a lot of growing to do... especially thinking before he speaks... how his words might hurt others.) looked at me and said, well I strive to be more than just a Preschool teacher.  

This stung, it struck me hard.  In that moment every feeling of not being enough came rushing in.  I excused myself from the table and went to my room.  I burst into tears.  I felt so ashamed of who I was in that moment.  My own child saw one of my greatest ability as a failure.

I laid in my bed and cried myself to sleep last night.  I woke with a new day before me, but not forgetting what as said.  I often wonder if my shortcomings are why I'm alone.  I pray that they're not but it's hard not to hear that voice in our heads.

This morning after barre, I find myself sending an email to my last years class wishing them all well on their new kindergarten adventures.  I received my class list for my 2024-2025 school year.  I've started to pray over these children and their families.  I've also began the process of writing names on multiple things to be placed around our classroom.  

Insecurities, suck!  We all have them.  I just wish they didn't hurt so much.  I guess if they didn't, they wouldn't be insecurities.


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