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If You Told Me...

 If you told me...


  • I would be a statistic
  • I would be a single mom
  • I would be a barre enthusiast
  • I would be setting the foundation for so many children to love education
  • I would be a home owner
  • I would be my healthiest in my 40s
  • I would be an incredible cook
  • I would still be single
  • I would be a boy mom
  • I would juggle it all
I wouldn't believe YOU!

I am so many things that I never thought I would be.  That's just a few listed above.  But, here I am in all of my glory.  I love my story as much as one can.  That doesn't mean I don't wish things looked a little different.

On a day like today, incident day; I can't help but think about all the twists and turns my life has taken and what might be ahead.  As a child I attended 12 different schools, at times more than one in a school year.  I always managed to make friends and find a place for myself with each change.  I have once again found a place for myself (and my boys) in this crazy place we call life.  But, I can't help but still feel unsettled.  I juggle it all, but I still carry a very heavy weight.  I feel very alone.  I have great friends, but often feel like I fit only when I fit in their lives.  I have a job I absolutely love and feel blessed to do, but that can be unpredictable and I never know what's going to come up.  (This might be because I haven't seen my class list just yet.) As I get older, I'm scared of what's ahead.  How will I manage it all on my own with age.    

As I look around most of my family and friends have someone they can count on.  I thought I too had that at one point.  I'm just scared, I'll never have that and what will that look like? Will I ever be able to fully let someone in given my fear?  Will someone be patient enough with me to move through the motions to let them in?  I know that I am not easy, but I'm worth it!  I pray everyday, even crying out that God to hear my request.  Just that his will for me is done, I know his plan is the best plan for me.  Oh, and his timing is always best.  Ummm God, I'm not sure how much longer I can let you keep driving this bus.  Oh wait, I forgot you know the way much better than I do.  Even in the darkness.  Could you at least turn on a light?  Pretty Please?

I give myself this one day to feel all the feels.  As I head into the evening, I just want to crawl into bed and wake in the morning when the trauma is finished. 

If You Told Me this would be my story I would tell you, NOT ME.  But here I am breaking down barriers.  


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