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On the Eve of my 42nd Birthday

 On the eve of my 42nd Birthday I can't help but reflect.  Reflect on all the twists and turns my life has taken over those 42 years.  I had plans for myself and my family, when things changed, I shifted gears and made new plans.  

I can't help but feel a little sad about some of my story.  Let me start with all the positives.  

  • I have three incredible boys.  They are kind, generous, loving, intelligent, EVERYTHING a mother could ask for.  I am beyond blessed to call them mine.
  • I love what I do for "work."  People trust me to love and educate their children at such a impressionable and important time.  I love working with children, loving them exactly where they are, meeting their needs and setting goals for us to grow together.  And I'm really good at it.
  • I have two amazing sisters that I don't know what I'd do without. They are complete opposites in so many ways but they are both exactly what I need.  They love me, value me and make me feel that I'm amazing too.
  • My circle of friends is small, but mighty.  I have a core group of women around me that accept me exactly where I am.  They listen, encourage and love me for who I am. 
  • I have my heath.  I am currently at my strongest I've ever been in my 42 years.  I couldn't be prouder of all the hard work I've put into MYSELF, to keep me physically and mentally happy.  
  • My faith, my faith is something I've clung to since I was a very young child.  When my life took an unexpected turn 10 years ago, It felt like it was all I had.  It was the one constant I could always count on.  I am thankful for my relationship with Christ, and my foundation in him. 
When my life changed 10 years ago, I was positive and knew my story was just shifting, it was just another detour.  I was young and had so much ahead of me.  My children were my main focus (and still are) and I knew I wanted to keep moving forward.  I set goals for myself along the way. 

I always wanted to be married, I never saw myself divorced (I know, no one ever does).  I never saw my story being mine.  But it was, and it is.  I thought that I would for sure meet someone and be married again before the age of 40.  That was kind of a goal I set for myself.  I joked with friends that a woman over 40 couldn't or shouldn't were the type of wedding dress I wanted. (yes, I want a wedding dress... I didn't get one the first time).  Here I am two years past my 40th Birthday and don't have a single prospect.  It's so frustrating, I can't help but feel like its me.  I have to keep reminding myself that it's just another detour.  Some days I can't help but be angry with God, what have I done? What should I be doing differently?  

I can't help but feel like the one thing I'm missing in life is a partner to do life with.  My friends are incredible, my boys are so helpful, I just want to share the responsibility with a partner.  I've been told I'm too picky, but I don't want to settle.  I know what I want and how I want to feel.  I've only "started" to feel that way for a couple men in my life and I know its out there in completion.  
So, hello 42 this is my year, whatever it looks like.  I'm open and hope that this is the year God helps me to see more of his vision for me and my boys.

Onto a movie night with friends watching my favorite childhood movie, Troop Beverly Hills. 

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