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Attached Part 2

 After writing my last entry about the book Attached, I read an article written about the theory of attachment.  It was very helpful to me and made me feel a lot less anxious about the idea of fitting into a specific style.  

Let me just start by saying that as I read the book Attached, I felt a bit like a monster, like there was something wrong with me and what I was bringing to a relationship.  The further I got into the book the worse I felt.  I actually just stopped reading at one point.  I couldn't help but wonder what was wrong with me, why wasn't I able to see my partners needs and just meet them.  Why were my needs and fears getting in the way of me being what they needed.  This went on and on.

After reading an article titled 'The Trouble with attachment theory' by Freddie deBoer I started to feel better.  Fitting any one person into any one category just isn't realistic.  I remember thinking this as I read the book and may have even mentioned it to the person who suggested the book.  Our experiences need to conform to the guidelines, that's the only way they work.  If they don't its very unhelpful and I'd suggest unhealthy.  

I am a very secure person because I have created a safe and secure environment to raise my boys in.  My goal is for them is one day to be secure in their relationships (i do this in my classroom as well).  I give them a safe environment, with boundaries.  They know they are loved, can fail (I let them fall) I give them punishments but only because I want them to know that life is full of consequences. (and with me is a safe place to fail) Since they were young they could always count on me to be consistent and loving.  I have created a safe space for them and myself.  This is where I struggle.

I have created such a safe secure environment, the thought of letting an outsider in is terrifying.  Trusting someone completely to penetrate our bubble is scary.  Almost so scary that I won't allow it to happen.  Take this into consideration, I have NEVER been able to fully trust or rely on anyone to stay.  I've been abandoned by everyone that should have made me feel secure.  I can share about that later but imagine, parents, family, spouse, and friends all have walked at some point in my life.  Trusting someone to come into my safe space, a space my children are a part of is hard.

This makes it sound like I will be a terrible partner and never fully be able to commit.  But... I believe this is NOT true.  It's taken me awhile and a lot of pain but I am finally acknowledging these area in my life.  I just need to meet someone that sees my past abandonment and is will to be patient with me.  I need to be very honest and communicate all of this along the way.  I need someone that won't throw in the towel when I start to struggle.  Someone that says let's figure this out together.  ( other things need to fit as well, physical attraction, mental attraction, chemistry, values those things... then the hard work)  

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