Insecurities

 An insecurity is a feeling of inadequacy (not being good enough) and uncertainly.  It produces anxiety about your goals, relationships, and ability to handle certain situations.  Everybody deals with insecurities from time to time.  It can appear in areas of life and come from a variety of causes. 

I’ve wanted to write on this topic for so long now, but the judgement kept me from touching the topic.  But, here it goes… Complete transparency, I’m riddled with insecurities.  This stems back to childhood.  Let me just start by saying that I am very good at disguising my insecurities and downplaying them.  Most would think of me as one of the most confident women they know.  This could not be further from the truth.  As a young child I was quickly labeled and was put into a category and no one ever really expected much from me.  I was expected to just sit and be pretty.  I was never expected to achieve more than just enough.  I was once told very early on dating post-divorce to NEVER let anyone see my insecurities.  That showing them would turn most men off.  That would be the fastest way to drive a man away.  To some degree I understand (early on) but you have to share your whole self with someone if you really want them to love YOU. The last couple day’s I’ve had a couple realizations. 

First, I’ve realized that I don’t fully trust ANYONE in my life.  I know this might be had for many of my “close” friends and family to hear but it’s true.  There are things that I refuse to share with anyone around me except for those who were around and watched me experience them.  I even wish they didn’t know. (most would think I'm being ridiculous, these things don't include addiction or anything like that.  They are things that bring me embarrassment even after conquering them and moving forward.)  After talking with one of my closest friends (she doesn’t even know what I’m referring to) and my younger sister (she knows) I’ve accepted that for me to fully let someone in my life, with time I need to share it all to completely trust.  The hardest part for me is that every time I have thought I could trust someone they ultimately used what they knew against me to break me down.  The thought of someone loving me for exactly who I am regardless of my past experiences feels impossible.  Later this week I’m meeting with a new therapist, I know that to grow I need to share it all and not just the parts I want to.  This is terrifying (for me) and I’m praying that I can go through with it.  My sister promised me that people will have even more respect for me when they hear the whole trust and my personal story.

The second was the other day in the grocery store.  Now, before I say what I’m about to say I’m not shaming anyone.  I’m just sharing my insecurities.  I found myself comparing myself to someone I had never met in person (I’m sure she is a lovely person) I had only seen photos of this woman and heard stories.  I saw images and quickly felt small and insignificant.  I saw someone in the photos that I would never be (She is incredibly beautiful and the photos portrayed a confident and sexy woman that anyone would throw themselves at) The photos I saw before me were never something I would ever allow myself to take, let alone publish publicly.  When I saw this woman in person, I realized that my insecurities were ridiculous and not necessary.  I was beating myself up over something that wasn’t even real.  Something that was probably so broken and screaming for attention.  This wasn’t the first time I’ve allowed this to happen. 

How is it that someone that looks like they have it all together all the time can be crushed in certain areas of one’s life?   Insecurities riddle us all in different ways.  Even the most confident person will have struggles at some point in their life.  I just wish it was more socially acceptable to talk about.  If I’m being honest, I haven’t logged into Facebook in a couple years simply because it’s so hard to see everyone’s “perfect” lives.  I know that people are only posting the best stuff and in reality, the ones who post the most are hiding the most.  I just wish social media would cut us all a break.