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First BIG Fight

 I've thought a lot about the BIG stuff in relationships recently.  The first BIG fight came to mind.  When you're dating or even married disagreements are a given.  We're never going to see eye to eye on everything, disagreements are healthy and help to stretch us.  I want someone that's comfortable challenging me and pushing me to grow and change.

A fear comes with that first fight, are they going to leave, just walk away or try and grow together?  It's real and in that moment anything can happen.  It is easier to just walk away, and I am guilty of doing it myself.  For me, I think my heart thinks it would be easier to run than to be rejected and feel that pain.  But at this point I don't want to run anymore, I want to find someone who also doesn't want to run.  I want to face all the hard things.  

For me, I need that initial attraction to someone, that excitement.  I very rarely feel that.  I can use just two fingers to count the number of times I've felt this way in the last 8 years.  I often wonder what's wrong with me and why I don't feel it sometimes.  Once I have it, I've lost it each time.  I want to meet my partners needs.  I want to make the changes for them, because ultimately it's for us. 

I've decided for the next month to step back, step back from the rush or need to meet someone.  The last couple months I've been reading, talking though these things, trying to work on me.  I think another month of focus on me, my faith and what I want will be healthy for me.  No matchmaker, No dating apps, No setups, just ME.  I can't lose anymore of me in this process.  Each time a part of me is taken, and if I'm honest I'm fragile.

I believe that God does have a plan for me and my journey.  It's just comes down to his timing and not mine.  He knows exactly what I'm feeling and what will happen next.  I truly need to just be okay with me.  Me alone and content and Me in a long term relationship.  He knows what my future looks like and I have to trust in that.


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