Okay, so as much as I don't like to admit I am 40.... Lets face it, I am. I'm 41 and 3 months to be exact on this very day. I absolutely love everything about who I am and what I bring to the table. I've been on a bit of a blogging break. You can say that real life and adulting has really taken over. But, I can't just sit here any longer without addressing this issues with dating in our 40's.
Let me start with a quick re introduction of myself. I am first and foremost mom to three incredible boys. They are each talented in their own ways and equally wonderful. I feel so lucky to call them mine. Second, I am a teacher and love exactly what I do each day inside my classroom. The children become a part of me and they not only grow but I do as well. Now, if you're a parent and reading this just know personal and professional NEVER bleed into one another. Third I am a barre junky, not a bar (where you drink) but the barre (where you work out). Taking care of myself physically is incredibly important to me which intern clears my head mentally. Lastly, I am a sister and friend to many. I have tons of hobbies and manage to juggle it all on my own. When I say all of it, I mean all of it. You name it, I do it. Just yesterday I was in my driveway with a bottle of bleach cleaning my trash cans. Yes, I manage to put on a very entertaining show for all my neighbors. Some other details about me are that I was born in Michigan, raised in California until just before high school, moving back to Michigan for high school and then meeting what I thought was the love of my life and moving to Illinois. (More on that another time)
Back to dating in our 40's... I don't know about most but it's a joke. It feels like walking into a thrift store and trying to pick out the best used pillow. You want to be able to get comfortable with it, but at the same time they're all so damaged, or riddled with stains and tears. You can try to clean it up and mend the tears but will that be enough. Will you ever want to bring it home, put it on your couch or even your bed. Yikes! We can talk about men's dating profiles another day. (But please don't put women down or shame them in your profile. And please don't respond to me with some sexual innuendo. I don't know you like that).
I have found that on dating apps most men in their 40's still want children of their own (which means they don't want women their age, which is their way of saying it nicely... 20's and 30's please). It's all the same men on all the same apps having all the same conversations. They don't know exactly what they want so they just lead you on endlessly. They often don't even know who they are and are looking for a quick mend to a broken relationship. My favorite is when they say, I just want something casually... What does that even mean?
Then you finally meet one after weeding out all the bad ones. I need to stop and say I'm sure some of the women are just as bad, just wanting a free meal or cocktail. I digress, back to my story. I feel that excitement that you wasn't sure was possible. I'm cautious, I've been hurt a couple times. I see a few red flags but think, I'm not perfect... no one is. I proceed. From there a number of things can happen....
Men/Women hide you from others around them.
Men/Women make you question your value and worth to improve their own.
Men/Women having close female/male relationships that they have an unhealthy attachment to.
Men/Women have addictions they hide from you.
Men/Women say what they think you want to hear in hopes of convincing you to fall quickly.
Men/Women shame you for not meeting their needs exactly the way they want them met.
I can keep going but then no one would keep reading. Why can't I just find him?
I truly don't think it's asking too much to want someone who chooses me, at their own will without having to be convinced that I am of value. I want to accept someone exactly the way they are, whatever that might be. If it's addictions or parenting style, education I want to know that first and love you for it. Agree that WE are not perfect and that WE (if we both fit well together) can work to improve these things. I'm not looking for a perfect person, just the perfect person for me. It's okay to be perfectly imperfect.
Relationships are hard work. ALL relationships are hard work, its how you work together to get through the problems. Taking time to work on yourself is a good thing, improving yourself for the other person shows commitment to hard things. It's easy to jump from one thing to another hiding your faults and when they are discovered to run. I want someone who is willing to put in the hard work. Someone who is honest about who they are and what they want. I want a man who is dedicated to his family, puts his kids first. I want a man that works hard to provide for his family (I will be working right there along side you) A man who knows I love him by simply looking into my eyes and mine his.
Some say I play hard to get. I don't think that's true. If I was attained easily by an abundance of men, would you really want that? I want what I have with my future partner to be special and unique. I want him to know that he IS worth that.
Okay, again I have digressed a bit. I'm going to leave it there. But... If you have a brother, a cousin or a younger uncle, a man you know has an open heart and loving ways... send him my way.
Very well written MB, I would love to have a conversation with you about the specifics you have captured here. I can say this, as you have referenced in your blog post, men can have the same experience as women, and in some cases worse, if you can believe that. I truly love your honesty and how vulnerable you are in these blogs. It's very inspiring and gives me hope and perspective that I'm not alone in this quest to find the best person for me. Not the perfect person, but one who will also realize my worth and put into the relationship the same that I invest from my side. It will be very interesting moving forward to see if she is out there.
ReplyDeletePerhaps we can have coffee or a cocktail to discuss and debate? Let's just say "i know a guy," whom may be a good fit into your life. He may not be, I can confirm, he's not perfect, but you never know.
I like what you said about investing time to work on challenges and issues. I feel if your partner is worth it, then you invest the time. More importantly, if they feel you are worth it, and have shown they are also putting forth the same energy to understand and work together to find the right 'balance,' then you may have just found the right person.
Time will tell.
Just a few observations to ponder.
cheers!